6 simple, simple show-going rules

Afternoon Listening goes on a bit of a rant.
By Alex Garrison

Welcome to the New Pornographers show. Now here are the rules.

  1. There will be no talking during the Walkmen set. I know they have been subjected to just being the opener here and I know you’re really just present b/c it’s girls’ night out & you heard maybe Connor B., the cutie from math class, could stop by, but the Walkmen are Sex on Legs. You don’t seem to understand; Sex on Legs is to be respected. Unless, perchance, you are the sole witness to a fire, you do not pretend anything you could possibly have to say is more interesting than drooling at – but never otherwise expressing your interest in – Sex on Legs.
  2. On that note, when talking is allowed, you only get one sentence in which the subject – or object, for that matter – is Neko Case. Choose it well.
  3. Under no circumstances is skanking allowed. Good god, y’all, it’s a New Pornographers show.
  4. If you are underage, it is best not to stand in front of me. This is for the good of all parties involved. If you are underage but do not act like you are underage, then, by all means, go ahead.
  5. PDA is unacceptable before 1 a.m. We’re all touching sporadically; it’s called dancing. If you want to touch somebody in particular, do it subtly like the rest of us. As a corollary, God help you if I catch you making googlie eyes.
  6. Respect the Live Music Experience. Every show – no matter the band – is a pilgrimage. As such, it is your duty to refrain from killing thy dancefloor-neighbor’s enjoyment.

I drove from Lawrence to Columbia for this. Let’s have some decorum, friends.

This was written in May, in Columbia, Mo. Comments? Leave ’em here or email onlinecontent@kjhk.org.