Dancing Bear Variety Hour, Ep. 6

The crew of the USS Carpathia visits an alien planet for Alternative Spring Break, and to determine whether a supercomputer is a sentient being. Also, tour guide Claude, RobodeskCop, and stories from The Vault!

“Was I excited to hear about a radio show based on Jack Derby and his boys? You betcha! The way I see it’s, any good press for AstroBase is fine by me. Oh sure, Derby might have ruffled a few feathers here and there by working outside regulations or unilaterally committing an occasional act of war. But we never made too much truck about that kinda stuff back on the salt flats of Minnesota. Truth is, the man can fight. And he’s no slouch on the bar stool either!”

–  Rear Admiral Lucinda Nevers, Assistant Chief of Military Operations, AstroBase Third Fleet


Dancing Bear Variety Hour, Episode 6 – Full Broadcast

Download the full episode, or scroll down for individual sketches!





A city plagued by out-of-control while collar crime and regulatory noncompliance run rampant. A good cop gunned down in his prime. An experimental technology capable of bringing him back from the dead as the perfect crime-citing machine. Logical. Tireless. Organized. He is: RoboDeskCop. (Phil Garland)


The Vault: The Great Los Angeles Boar Stampede

A new feature, THE VAULT trains its unflinching eye on events from the past often overlooked by the history books. In this inaugural edition, we present those fateful hours when the city of Los Angeles was briefly held hostage by a rampaging herd of wild boars. (Justin Wilson)


Tour Guide Claude in New York

It seems that things haven’t worked out for our favorite French existentialist weather-copter reporter. Claude now finds himself employed as a Big Apple tour guide, pointing out the sites in America’s commercial capital – though what could be a more fitting monument to man’s transitory and ultimately meaningless existence than the soulless celebration of commerce? (Phil Garland)


The Adventures of the USS Carpathia in Outer Space, Episode 6: “A.I.’m Not Okay (I Promise)” or “With Apologies to Harlan Ellison”

Act I

Lt. Perry is busy building walls for the people of Bouniffalia, but Faye and Korgath are more interested in relaxing at the planet’s volcanic spas. After an argument with a missionary from ReligiCrop, Perry finds his wall a-tumbled! Meanwhile Ollie and Capt. Derby evaluate the local supercomputer’s application for personhood. (Scott Ross, Justin Wilson, Phil Garland)


Act II

Has Father Matheson been intentionally keeping the Bouniffle in ignorance and poverty? Perry recruits the others for a confrontation on the planet’s behalf. Below the surface, Arty the AI has trouble coping with Derby’s narrow-minded capitalism and Ollie’s bleak depression. (Scott Ross, Justin Wilson, Phil Garland)


Written by Scott Ross. Tune into the Dancing Bear Variety Hour the third Thursday of every month at 7pm on KJHK 90.7fm.