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BOLD PREDICTION: Nobody Is Getting Into Area 51

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Most probably assumed it would be forgotten by now.

If you visit the original Facebook event page, only a husk of the meme can be found. What began as an earnest call to action – “let’s see them aliens” – exists now only as some opportunistic capitalism: we were kidding about organizing an attack on a domestic military base. Buy tickets! Buy t-shirts!

Yet, of those marked “attending,” surely there must be some faithful few among them. On the tenth, two Dutch YouTubers were arrested for trespassing on a facility near Area 51, which is technically called Homey Airport, a moniker substantially less foreboding than “Area 51.” This was well after a USAF spokesperson announced back in July that “any attempt to illegal access military installations or military training areas is dangerous.”

I’m not saying it’s aliens. But I do share the morbid curiosity, the inexorable drive to uncover what exactly the government is hiding at Homey Airport. The property was acquired over sixty years ago, after all, and it was only in 2013 that the base’s existence was officially acknowledged, when the CIA released a heavily redacted report on flight testing in the area per a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request. Literally anything and everything that happens at Area 51 is, for some reason, a closely guarded military secret. Probably not aliens, but…something.

This all leads to today, the fateful day we’ve all been marking down our calendars toward for weeks: September 20th, 2019. As news comes in from the remote Nevada military installation, we here at KJHK giddily await the secrets to be uncovered by today’s raid of Area 51.

My personal take: no one is getting in. I mean, clearly. If I were a betting man, and if this weren’t so obvious as to be unprofitable, I’d put it all on not even one, singular, Naruto-running meme-lord to breach the fences. Dude, they have assault rifles. Helicopters. Probably lasers. Almost certainly lasers, I mean, it’s an extremely secretive facility. Besides, they’re the U.S. military, and they’re not letting some ragtag band of Gen-Z renegades bring them to shame. Will there be casualties? [shrug emoji] Hope not. Stay tuned for updates — in case we really see them aliens though.

Written by Content Staffer Pat Richerson