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Snuggle awareness

The host of Smooth Friction explains how to create the mood for cuddling

By Patrick Patterson

With the advent of the season for cuddling close at hand, the need for snuggle awareness is at an annual high. The cold weather can be harnessed to your advantage, but is hard to master without knowledge of how to do so. Smooth Friction is here to help: be good to your ladies and tender with your men this season, abiding by the following guidelines, submitted for your consideration by our expert staff:

  1. There is a season for the bump and grind, which left along with the sexy firemen on Halloween night. Best brush the dust off of that vinyl and make sure your back rubs are less than rusty for those crisp, autumn nights where the briskness bids you calm things down a notch.
  2. You only get one chance to notice her new haircut. The winter months will not yield another any time soon and if your track record isn’t good, mistakes could be fatal. There’s no room for error and no time for jibba-jabba, so take care to stay vigilant and use your words wisely.
  3. Get your holidays straight: Thanksgiving is for the one you’d take home to your parents, Christmas is for the one you already did. Kwanzaa celebrations sure as hell better come with a soundtrack a la Smokey Robinson and -a little known fact- Chanukah is infinitely more erotic than New Years. Treat your honey sweetly and remember the covenant when you’re next cuddling in a brisket coma, spinning away the hours as the dreidel turns… baruch hashem.
  4. Write ‘em letters over your breaks. There’s nothing that keeps you on their mind more securely than your words, carefully crafted, by hand as much as intellect or passion, especially when they can be read, over and over in front of a fire, wrapped up in a blanket and sipping a hot beverage. Mmmm.
  5. For locals and those whose season will be spent cruising the Larrytown streets, don’t forget to be there with your special someone when the lights go on Downtown, the day after Thanksgiving. You can never see it too many times.
  6. Raking leaves is an excellent opportunity to prove your worth in labor hours. Do so for your honey without asking and you may be entitled to a little more than hot cocoa. Enterprise on flannels for optimal cuddling afterward, and you’re in business.
  7. Listen to Smooth Friction, always, Wednesday nights on KJHK from 10:00 to Midnight. This is most important and has been scientifically proven to increase fertility, lead to higher grades, promote world peace, and make you cooler and better looking.

Smooth Friction airs every Wednesday from 10 p.m. to midnight