Hello Lawrence and the University of Kansas,
The world in 2020 is a stressful place. Everything you know is changing. Everything around you is different now. We are living through historic times. Not only because of COVID-19, but also because of something else. Something big.
You must be confused, we understand. But we at Crimson and Blue Squatch Watch (CBSW) are here to help. We are a group of scientists new to the Lawrence, Kansas area and we are here with one purpose and one purpose only: To find Bigfoot.
We know he’s here. We tracked him to KU’s campus three days ago, following a trail of Funyuns and Monster Energy drinks to Daisy Hill. We set up a perimeter immediately, so there’s no way out. No need to be alarmed. He’s just amongst you, hiding. Hiding is what he’s good at.
During your next virtual class, look at how many students have their cameras off. Who’s muted? Does someone in your biology class know a little too much about the wooded ecosystem? They could be Bigfoot.
We know what you’re thinking. Why did he come to the university? Is he native to Kansas? Does he value education? These are the sorts of questions that the CBSW are trying to answer. There’s still a lot we don’t know. Here’s what we do know:
- He is very tall. Witness accounts vary between 6 feet and 12 feet 2
- He has large From the prints we’ve found, he’s a USA size 22, UK size 21.5, EU size 53.5, and Japan size 40.5.
- We know his weight but do not think that it is very polite to make that information public without his consent.
- He has long, soft wavy brown hair all over his body. This is his natural hair color, but be on the lookout for any hairy man regardless of color. For a brief stint in 2000, we received several reports that he went through a goth phase and dyed it all black.
- He is intelligent and has found some way of making money and evading discovery. We have no clue how else he affords Funyuns and rent.
- He is probably a vegetarian. We’ve found evidence that his diet originally consisted of wild plant stems and fruits, but in the last decade we’ve consistently found more and more evidence that he is transitioning to a corn-based, snack-food diet including Funyuns, Doritos, and Hot Cheetos.
- He is addicted to caffeine. In 2004 we’ve received witness accounts of Bigfoot consuming disturbingamounts of caffeinated beverages, including coffee, Cokes, black tea, and Monster Energy drinks. Several times researchers have left out decaf mochas for him in the woods, but he always leaves them untouched. We’re worried about him.
- Witness accounts always increase around the same time that a Quentin Tarantino movie comes out. Most lately in 2019 with the release of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood almost 300 people claimed to have seen him in a New Orleans movie theater.
Please, the CBSW are begging you. We need to find Bigfoot. Our organization has been tracking him for decades. With the onslaught of COVID-19, we like many others have lost our day jobs. Our only hope in life now is to find Bigfoot and enter a joint media deal with him.
Imagine what Jimmy Fallon would pay to play Box of Lies with Bigfoot. Imagine Carpool Karaoke with Bigfoot and James Corden. This is the world that the CBSW are trying to create. Please, if you see anything that serves as evidence of Bigfoot in Lawrence, Kansas please tell us. We have a hotline at CBSWweneedyou@gmail.com.
Crimson and Blue Squatch Watch