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Dancing Bear Variety Hour, Ep. 8

On the May episode of DBVH, we provide passive-aggressive life advice, the latest Khaled Sheikh Mohammed sports analysis, and misleadingly suggestive audio. Plus, the next episode of the USS Carpathia!!

“I started slinging drinks when I was in college on Salgaria. I bummed around from planet to planet for a few years – no real direction to it – until one day some haircut in an AstroBase uniform bellies up to the bar and starts buying me shots. And telling me all about the romance and reward of the military life. Once the hangover wore off, I found out I’d signed up to tend bar on some starship. It’s a decent enough gig. Sure I have to wear long sleeves over my tattoos sometimes. But it’s kind of fun blowing the minds of those hippies back on Salgaria. And what am I supposed to do? Get an MA in English?”

– Lorraine Bain, “Chief Hospitality Officer” aboard the USS Carpathia

Dancing Bear Variety Hour, Episode 8 Full Broadcast

Download the full episode, or scroll down for individual sketches!



Audio-Only “Romance”

Jack Hammer just wants to deliver this steaming hot pizza to Cindy and Tami, who are all alone in this big mansion with only one bathing suit. Why do people have to make it all weird? (Scott Ross)


Khaled Sheikh Mohammed Presents 2014 NFL Draft With Khaled Sheikh Mohammed

DBVH sports guru and 9/11 mastermind Khaled Sheikh Mohammed is here with his razor-sharp analysis of the NFL draft. What are his thoughts on Michael Sam? You probably don’t want to know! (Scott Ross)


Passive Aggressive Solutions™

We make our first foray into the respected and lucrative world of call-in advice programs. But unlike all those other shows, we decided to make ours actually useful, by providing bitter, conflict-averse, and corrosive strategies you’ll actually use! (Scott Ross)


Adventures of the USS Carpathia in Outer Space!!

“This Salgarian Life” or “Radio Killed the Video Star System-Wide Commercial Conglomerate”

Act 1

After a routine delivery to a Confederation colony, Derby and Lorraine find themselves embroiled in a conflict between idealistic locals and a corporate development scheme. And Lorraine’s history with a rebel leader doesn’t help matters. Meanwhile Korgath and Perry struggle to put aside their differences and mount a rescue operation. (Justin Wilson and Phil Garland)


Act 2

Perry and Korgath have been apprehended as ClearBlast spies! But Derby, after discovering the importance of public radio has a scheme to help the rebels of Salgaria preserve their way of life. Can he overcome the locals’ distrust and save the local station? Will Lorraine and Kevin rekindle their flame? And what of Faye? Find out in the thrilling conclusion! (Phil Garland and Justin Wilson)


Written by Scott Ross. Tune into the Dancing Bear Variety Hour the third Thursday of June and July at 7pm on KJHK 90.7fm. You can keep following the show as a podcast at the Young Learners Guide to American Wildlife.